COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
what could possibly go wrong?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Phonetics
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route