I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*