Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?