Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
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I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My flabber has been gasted.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.