[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade