One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
She: I like Cats
He:
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”