When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
What the dentist sees
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.