One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.