god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My love language is hissing.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!