I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.