“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
You Might Also Like
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi