I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I put the h in mysterious.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
lmfao come on
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie