Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.