I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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I’m not wrong
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Holy shit he’s back
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco