“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle