“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.