Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Only Americans understand
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem