My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?