My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.