My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Can. I. Help. You.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.