I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos