I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I love the National Park Service.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.