Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
this has done me in for some reason
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks