I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: