As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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Oh. My. God.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Same pineapple, same
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
couldn’t resist
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
it’s the silliest best thing
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!