Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
それは草
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.