Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!