I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
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even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.