Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.