Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.