Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.