When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Get off my horse you stupid moon
and this one
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word