Otters drive ottermobiles.
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Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
getting old is fun
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.