If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
God, I love Scotland
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.