“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
relationship goals
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
😂💯
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers