*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms