My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
You Might Also Like
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead