Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You Might Also Like
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*