the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
This makes total sense…
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.