[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.