Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.