me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Did…did a minotaur write this
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
S O O N