Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
You Might Also Like
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
🖤✌🏽
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?