The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times