Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
BRAKING NEWS!!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Who knew!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.