[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.