the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You Might Also Like
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.