Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
You Might Also Like
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.