Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
twitter is a journey
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
that’s really how it is
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest