Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Love is always patient and kind.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.